As would-be challengers mount zealous attacks,
Dubya ignores them, just turns his back-
He's focused on jobs and security and
Unholy unions of matrimony.

"Men wedding men? That's no good.
They should be choppin', not sharin' wood
Marriage is important for the neighborhood
It's between a man and a woman.

"Take me and Laura, we're the opposite gender
And, though we enjoy the occasional rear-ender,
We had two daughters like nature intended.
The Constitution should be amended."

While Junior is thinkin' big,
The candidates start to debate.
I'd better pay attention so i can decide
Who I'm least inclined to hate.

The bug-eyed guy on the stand, that's Dean.
He's off to an early lead,
Cheered on by an internet cult that
Formed to spread his anti-war creed.

Gephardt's right there in the middle
Extolling the working class, though
His mutually plastered hair and smile
Appear to have run out of gas.

Far to his left stands Dennis Kucinich,
He of views oft dismissed by the press
Who protect our eyes from the vulgar sight
Of Emperor Bush undressed.

It's all for the best you know,
This managed competition.
If left unchecked diverse points of view
Might come into fruition.

Even now our rigid two-party scheme
Gives voters too much to consider-
Jobs and judges, war and peace,
The globe getting warmer, dangerous beef...

...and who's that really tall guy?
He's wooden as a log made from Lincoln,
He drones like a die-cast politician,
He'll probably win the nomination.

John Kerry's his name, Vietnam's his fame,
A 20-year senator, he knows the game
Of high-level politickin, how to
Promise those pots filled with chicken.

All of these guys project confidence
Though Dubya's got that in spades,
"My approval ratings are slippin' it's true
But I've got a leg up on this thing-a-ma-do.

"I'm fighting a war, I'm lowering taxes,
I'm doing what The Business axes
And I hear these 'lectronic voting machines
Will keep my re-election clean.

"No, I love my job and intend to keep it,
I'm filled with optimism.
Some say we're fighting an illegal war,
I call it patriotism."